In a startling turn of events it is learned that Pope Leo will follow the lead of his predecessor Benedict and will resign from the Chair of St Peter effective on Spy Wednesday April 1, 2026.
The holy father gave the reasons for his early retirement as repentance for his participation in the worship service of the Pachamama back in 1995 in South America. “I was wrong and they caught me on it” said a tearful Pope Leo. “I was so very wrong. I was a priest for 10 years and should have known better. I let down my flock. I betrayed them and I want to make amends. I also beg God’s forgiveness for my betrayal”.
Leo further remarked that this whole incident made him realize and understand the plight of the Traditional Latin Mass Catholics. “I was so wrong, so very wrong and unsensitive”. The pope said that before he was exposed for his participation in the pagan Pachamama ceremony he never realized how far he had strayed from the true Faith. “I thought I was a good priest, I thought I was a good Cardinal but this made me realize that I forgot this is God’s church of which I am just the custodian. Instead I saw it as my own personal religion to do with as I liked. May God have mercy on my soul”.
The pope further stated that before Easter he hopes to have plans in order to begin to repair the damage he had done in his short pontificate. The holy Father immediately gave the SSPX full permission to consecrate bishops along with permission to read the mass in diocesan Parishes. He will also lift the excommunication from Archbishop Vigano and will restore his full priestly rights along with elevating him to Cardinal.
In addition in a years time he hopes to return communion rails to all Dioscean churches and encourage communion on the tong while kneeling. Over time extra ordinary ministers will be eliminated. “I will also suggest high altars be reinstalled so as to accommodate the return of potential Latin masses”. Pope Leo openly wept as he lamented how much damage he had done by denying Catholics of their heritage.
The Catholic blogosphere is in total confusion at this point. The Pope splainers are now crying fowl and Trad inc is gloating that “we are so back”. Pudge something or other from a popular pope splainer blog commented “I feel like I was stabbed in the back, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I still recognise him as the pope!” Taylor Sewinsew now has to retool his whole merchandise inventory, and Michael Madhatter wants to know if he can still hate President Trump.
Work has already begun on assembling a new conclave to which Cardinal Burke immediately said, “who do you want me to vote for this time?”. The future Cardinal Vigano is favored to be pope in this next conclave. Time will tell the fall out from all this.
Ms. April Fools contributed to this article.