WASHINGTON, D.C.—An anonymous report from anonymous sources confirmed without a doubt that Trump has punched a baby directly in the face, completely unprovoked. According to the anonymous sources that are so anonymous they speak mainly through quiet whispers carried along on the north winds, Trump was in the Oval Office when he saw the innocent baby and ruthlessly assaulted him.
“That baby, he looked at me funny,” said Trump, according to 48 sources who wish to remain unidentified. “I know a funny look when I see one. What a dope! That baby looks like a complete and total loser. You want a piece of me, baby?”
Secret witnesses who have not been named are confirming that Trump wound up and punched the baby square in the face, even though the baby had done nothing aggressive or right-wing that would rightly provoke such an attack. “I prefer babies who aren’t total losers,” said Trump. “That baby was a complete disaster. Looked at me funny. Probably a member of Antifa. Sad.”
Nancy Pelosi has confirmed that the anonymous sources cited by the media have leaked further information on Trump’s alleged altercation with the baby. She has assured the public she will be conducting a thorough and anonymous investigation.
The media has reached out to the baby, who chooses to remain anonymous. According to media investigators, the baby, in his first words, has anonymously endorsed Biden for president.
Republicans have denied the allegations, calling them “stupid” and “ridiculous” and saying they’re 95% sure Trump would never do anything like that.